I Will Be
by PinkAngel17
Summary: What caused Reid to finally end his addiction? This is one possibilty. Reid POV.


Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own Criminal Minds. I only play with the characters occasionally.

Not my usual M/G story. In fact this is my first Reid centered story. It deals with drug use so be warned. I got the idea for this from a conversation my friend,FrankiesGirl21, and I had about Reid. It's set after 'Revelations' while Reid is addicted to drugs. It's basically why he finally sought professional help.

* * *

He knew he should quite. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't smart. But he needed it. At least that's what his mind and body kept telling. He _needed_ it. It was his only escape from the pain and the nightmares. His only way out.

Dilaudid

Even the word made him shiver sometimes when no one was watching. He knew he should stop, but every time he came close to jut throwing those little bottles away his hand would shake, his stomach flip, and panic set in. But he was a genius! A child prodigy! He knew without a doubt that what he was doing was wrong and just plan bad for him.

But that wasn't enough to make him stop.

He wanted, no needed, that escape from the painful reality. He craved it even though a voice in the back of his head was screaming at him to stop. And that voice…it sounded familiar didn't it? Like he'd heard it so many times before and it had brought him a warmth, a sense of security he couldn't explain. It used to be more prominent, but now it was fading. Overshadowed by the drugs and the louder voice shouting at him that he really did need those drugs…if just for a bit longer.

But that soothing voice was still there. Hanging on to the very edge of his mind and straining to reach him. Telling him he was hurting his body, hurting his friends, his family, even his job. But he _needed_ the drugs. Didn't he? He just needed the peace it brought him, if only briefly. The engulfing sensation that swirled around his mind.

"_Reid_?"

There was the voice again. Strange how it seemed to be louder then usual and almost…closer.

"_Reid_!"

Now it was even louder. Yelling his name.

"_Open your eyes_!"

The voice was demanding he open his eyes? Why should a voice in his head care if his eyes were open?

"_Spencer? Please, Spence_!"

Spence…only one person ever calls him that. It doesn't make sense. He must be hallucinating. Maybe he should open his eyes though. Just to check.

It took some effort, but he managed to pry his heavy eyelids open and there she was. The comforting voice personified. Her long blond hair hanging down over her shoulders as she knelt in front of him. It made her look like an angel. She even seemed to be glowing. Or was that the drugs effecting his vision?

It doesn't really matter either way though. It's just a hallucination, right? His hallucination looked strangely worried though. Almost as if she were in pain just looking at him. What was that word…heartbroken?

Now what was she doing? Her mouth was moving, but no sound came out. Then she was pulling him up and he was moving. His feet were moving, but he didn't remember telling them to. Oh well, didn't really matter. At least they were taking him to his bed where he could lay down.

He was so tired now. He just wanted to sleep. But what if his angel wasn't there when he woke up? She was just a hallucination caused by the drugs so she'd be gone by the time he woke up. He didn't want her to go though. She was…comforting, warm even. But he supposed that was just the drugs. Right?

Still, he couldn't stop staring at her. She was beautiful and so familiar. But the drugs in his system were strong and he hadn't slept in a day or two. Or was it a week? He couldn't quite remember. Either way he was no match for his heavy eyelids. They slid closed without his consent and soon his mind finally went blank.

CMCMCMCMCM

Too much light. That's the first thing that worked it's way into his still foggy mind. Why would his mind be foggy like this?

Oh…right.

He knew he had to stop this. Maybe he should just tell someone. Though he had the suspicion that Hotch was suspecting something already. Or he could throw everything out, but how many times had he tried that and still not succeeded. He couldn't tell anyone though. They didn't need to know and they wouldn't understand anyways.

Wait…did his pillow just move? Maybe there were still a few remnants of dilaudid in his system. No, it definitely moved. And his head was already clearing up from the after effects so that couldn't be it anyways. But then what was that resting on his forehead?

He opened his eyes against the light streaming into the room from the window and once his vision cleared he realized what it was. His angel.

The hallucination he had last night about the comforting voice being personified wasn't a hallucination at all. She was real! The proof was sitting right in front of him, or above him technically. She was sitting up with her back against the headboard, her head leaning to the side slightly with her hair dangling down as she slept. His 'pillow' turned out to be her lap and the weight on his head was her small hand resting there as if she had been running it through his hair.

"JJ" He whispered hoarsely, barely even audible, in a voice mixed with surprise, wonder, and confusion.

She was his voice. The comforting, soothing, warm voice that tried to get him to stop. The sense of security last night wasn't from the drugs, it was from her. She gave him what he needed all along and he never even knew.

And he had hurt her. He remembered vaguely a look of pain on her face. It must have been from when she found him. How could he do that to her? It sent a wave of guilt, remorse, and emotional pain coursing through him just thinking about it.

He had to stop.

If nothing else then for her. His hallucinated angel who wasn't so much a hallucination after all.

"Spence?"

There it was. He fully recognized that voice now.

"Are you ok?"

This mixture of concern and compassion nearly broke his own heart. Looking up into his not-so-hallucinated angel's eyes he knew what he was about to say was true.

"I will be."

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What do you think? Like I said, not my usual type story. Review please!


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